Boys Don’t Cry – Erasing the Emotional Lives of Boys & Men
Despite the emergence of the metrosexual and an increase in stay-at-home dads, tough-guy stereotypes die hard. As men continue to fall behind women in college, while outpacing them four to one in the suicide rate, some colleges are waking up to the fact that men may need to be taught to think beyond their own stereotypes.
Traditionally, if sex education happens at all, American curricula tend to focus on physical acts and dangers – disease and pregnancy – often eschewing positive discussions of sexual pleasure or emotional intimacy.
Feminist scholars have critiqued American sex education for its overemphasis of danger and risk, noting the cost to teenage girls. Scholars have argued that the “missing discourse” of girls’ desire impedes their sense of power in and outside of relationships, leaving them poorly equipped to negotiate consent, safety, and sexual satisfaction.
But scholars have paid less attention to the missing discourse of teenage love in American sex education, and its effects on boys, who confront a broader culture that provides scant recognition of, or support for, their emotional needs.
In comparison, sex education in the Netherlands tends to frame boys’ and girls’ sexual development in the context of their feelings for and relationships with others. Curricula include discussions of fun and exciting feelings. They also validate young people’s experience of love.
The Patriarchy Hurts Men Too
Andrew Reiner talks about the damage that can be done to young boys, when American culture puts so much emphasis on “being a man.” Which is to say – not a girl. He wrote the following in an article for the New York Times:
“Last semester, a student in the masculinity course I teach showed a video clip she had found online of a toddler getting what appeared to be his first vaccinations. Off camera, we hear his father’s voice. “I’ll hold your hand, O.K.?” Then, as his son becomes increasingly agitated: “Don’t cry!… Aw, big boy! High five, high five! Say you’re a man: ‘I’m a man!’ ” The video ends with the whimpering toddler screwing up his face in anger and pounding his chest. “I’m a man!” he barks through tears and gritted teeth.
“The home video,” says Reiner, “was right on point, illustrating the takeaway for the course: how boys are taught, sometimes with the best of intentions, to mutate their emotional suffering into anger. More immediately, it captured, in profound concision, the earliest stirrings of a male identity at war with itself.”
Reiner continues:
“By the time many young men do reach college, a deep-seated gender stereotype has taken root that feeds into the stories they have heard about themselves as learners. Better to earn your Man Card than to succeed like a girl, all in the name of constantly having to prove an identity to yourself and others. I wanted the course to explore this hallmark of the masculine psyche — the shame over feeling any sadness, despair or strong emotion other than anger, let alone expressing it and the resulting alienation. Many young men…[sic learn to] compose artful, convincing masks, but deep down they aren’t who they pretend to be. But wouldn’t encouraging men to embrace the full range of their humanity also benefit women too? Why do we continue to limit the emotional lives of males when it serves no one?”
To continue reading, you can access the full article on the Times website here
The “Bro Code”
Reiner goes on to write about the time that sociologist and noted “Bro Whisperer” Michael Kimmel visited his campus in Towson Maryland to speak about the “Bro Code” of collegiate male etiquette.
Kimmel has been teaching courses on masculinity for 25 years. He’s written two popular books attempting to decipher male behavior, Angry White Men and Guyland, the latter of which explores, among other things, the so-called bro culture on college campuses. Soon, he hopes to enroll students in the country’s first-ever master’s program in masculinity studies.
In the meantime, he’s trying to apply his insights into the male psyche to the question of how to stem college sexual assaults. While not a new problem, rape on campus has become a newly conspicuous one following a wave of antirape activism and heightened media attention to colleges’ sexual-assault policies. Even President Obama has weighed in, citing the oft-repeated (though widely contested) statistic that one in five female students is raped at some point in her college career. The Justice Department is now investigating several dozen schools for possibly mishandling rape complaints.
So far, says Kimmel, much of the national conversation has focused on reducing binge drinking and prosecuting perpetrators. A more overlooked problem, according to Kimmel, is that many college men are insecure, unprepared for sex, and desperate to prove themselves to their friends. He says many of them approach hookups with the mentality that “sex is a battle: I have to conquer you, I have to break down your resistance.”
The challenge, then, is to make men want sex that’s less like a battle and more like an unusually satisfying UN meeting, where everybody understands the proceedings and gets a vote. That’s admittedly a long way off: despite recent media scrutiny, fraternities are still caught displaying signs that say things like no means yes, yes means anal.
Kimmel says it’s not surprising that inebriation figures into so many sexual-assault cases. Many students arrive at college after having been “helicopter parented,” he argues, with their access to alcohol and sex strictly policed until the day they leave home. They’re then plunked into an environment full of unfamiliar rituals, bravado, enough booze to put the Russian army into a coma, and more sexually available people than they’ll ever encounter again.
For a detailed description of the Bro Code with research to back it up, check out the book “Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men” by Michael Kimmel.
What do Boys Want?
Brett Sayer found that boys in both cultures are looking for intimacy and relationships, not only sex. But they differed in how much they believed they fit the norm. The Dutch boys thought that their desire to combine sex with relationships was normal, whereas American boys tended to see themselves as exceptionally romantic.
Research has shown American teenage boys – across racial and ethnic groups – crave intimacy and are as emotionally invested as girls are in romantic relationships.
Learning Masculinity
In the following photo series linked here, writer Pricilla Frank discusses a project undertaken by Jona Frank, who wanted to capture young men learning masculinty through boxing. Check out the series and reflect on how learning to be a “man” can be an uplifting as well as physically destructive experience.
Frank’s straightforward photographs, she says, “capture a space in between — between childhood and adulthood, attitude and authenticity, work and play. As the subjects get older, their expressions become more assured, while the younger ones seem to ask for approval in their puzzled expressions.”
“All the boys tried to act tough for the camera,” Jona Frank continued. “They remind me of the Arcade Fire song ‘Rococo’ — ‘They seem wild, but they are so tame.’”
Jona Frank’s series will be on view at the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery in Washington, D.C., from March 12, 2016, through January 8, 2017. The photographs will also be compiled into a book of the same name, with an introduction by photographer Bruce Weber.
Football Town Nights – “Don’t Rape”
And here we have Amy Schumer’s sadly humorous take on the topic. While clearly all men are not rapists, her portrayal of “bro culture” is nothing short of brilliant, even if she does exaggerate for comedic effect. Bear in mind, the sketch is funny and resonates with an audience, because it’s likely many of us know or have encountered men that think like this.
Sources
Guyland, by Michael Kimmel (2008)
“Teaching Men to be Emotionally Honest,” by Andrew Reiner. Last accessed April 2016
“The Bro Whisperer,” by Olga Khazan. Last accessed April 2016
“Why Boys Need to Have Conversations About Emotional Intimacy in Classrooms,” by Brett Sayer
For more on Frank’s photo series, follow this link to an article published in The Independent. Last accessed April 2016
Discussion Questions
What does being a man mean to you?
Do you think that social roles for men in U.S. society are positive or negative? Do these roles ever feel restrictive or confining to you, such that you sometimes feel you don’t “fit” into them?
What do you think are the most crucial and healthy elements of masculinity?
Why is it necessary to “break” boys to make men?
Do feel it is necessary to supress your emotional life in order to be a man?
What do you think are the most toxic elements of masculinity and how do you think we might work to change that?
Do you think colleges and universities should invest time, money, and effort in promoting healthy masculinity?
How do you personally “own” your masculinity? Or do you not think about it at all?
Do you think there are some professions that cultivate an unhealthy model of masculinity? If so, which ones?
Do you think about choosing a college major and/or profession on the basis how it fulfills gender expectations?
There are many unfair rules men have to abide by to be considered a man in society. Being Amman in my opinion is a male figure who embraces his emotions and not be embarrassed. Society has convinced men that they have to be seen as “tough” or “strong” when emotions are inside everyone, by helping society convince men that they are just the protector because of their gender. Not expressing your emotions is very unhealthy! By teaching males “not to cry” at a young age leaves them clueless on how to deal with their emotions and they tend to deal with them by drinking or abusing drugs.
The bro code…. I think every guy my age knows a version of the bro code. A set of invisible guidelines that we follow just because that’s how it has always been. In class we used the example of saying no homo after embracing male friends. Why is it considered “gay” to hug one of my guy friends? If i haven’t seen one of my friends for a long time I will fully embrace him and not feel the need to say no homo, because i don’t care. Its just an example, but their are many examples of this. In other countries males embrace with kisses but we seem to teach that there is something wrong with that. I definitely agree with the limiting of emotions too. Men have feelings just like women, its not good that men are taught to suppress their true feelings and emotions.
Since the 50’s men and women have had gender roles and it has taken 69 years for women to get out of the stereotype. While men still have the stereotype of being the ones who have to be able to put a brave face on for the family and not show emotion. Why can’t a man talk about something and get emotional without getting looked at. Also, to add why are men the ones who are raised to have no emotion just because of their body type.
This is a very cool article that should be showed to high school classrooms around the United States. It is okay to show emotion and have feelings as a young man. It may not be the easiest way to grow up as a young boy, but it will definitely pay off in the future when you are beginning a relationship or starting a family. You must have a soft side and show that you are accepting. If you do not have that soft side, then you will be a jealous, miserable person. Jealousy is a very ugly trait to have and it stems from masculinity and dominance. I also believe that having a close group of guy friends that you communicate with every day is normal and very important. This may come off as strange to some people, but being close with members of the same gender is not “gay.”
There is such a big focus on men having to act like men all the time> They can’t cry, they can’t do this or that. They have to hunt, they have to go to a shooting range to express their manhood. When looking at “the bro code” i seen the video of the young african american boy who was basically told not to even shed a tear by his dad. The kid was shot a few times in both arms and started to cry towards the end and his dad kept saying not to and to man up. All the emphasis that the world puts on man to “man up” and to “be a man” can go too far sometimes. There is such a pressure on young men to live up to these expectations and to “not be a girl” when it comes to manly things they have to go through such as crying. This is where we see anger become a problem in young men in this country. They eventually transform their emotional conduction into anger. That is where we see young men do things that can get them in trouble with the law. They have all of this frustration built up and it turns into physical anger and they start down the wrong path. They are forced to kill off emotional parts of themself and it leaves them with all anger left and that can be a danger to the young man and also those who are around him.
Being a man does not mean you don’t have emotions or feelings. If you feel a particular way about something you are experiencing or have experienced, you shouldn’t have to hold it in or hold your emotions, and feelings back because of someone perspective on it or the “norm”, because everyone is different. Everyone is different and expresses themselves in a different matter male and female. I believe that should not play a part in your masculinity. Being a man like a few of my colleagues stated, means you hold your ground and stand on your own to feet, you provide for yourself and and loved ones and make sure they are ok. Also protect and handle your business and doing things the right way. Being a man doesn’t mean you have to hold things in or even put on an act that your tough or that your one way when in reality you are another. I do believe that when having a boy you should be a little bit more tough especially if they have sisters around their own age group, but that does not mean block off all emotion of how your feeling. Boys just like girls fallow the one parent that is of their same sex the most. Just like moms and daughter time and father and son time. I believe that quality time molds them to be the person that they are gonna be reason why a lot of the time people will say your just like your father or your just like your mother. The whole im grown or i’m a man thing I believe is unnecessary. Reason i say this is because through their youth from early teens to later teens they mold themselves to be the person they are going to be, saying certain things might trigger something in their heads to early in their lives and that’s when the masculinity (or machismo as we say in spanish) comes out and now it happens throughout their life.
Being a man means being able to provide for yourself and take care of all of your responsibilities. I think that the social roles for men are positive and it has not changed much from the beginning of time. The men are suppose to be the hard workers and the ones that provide for the family. I never feel the need to fit into the social roles that society has painted for us. The most crucial and healthy elements of masculinity is self-control and knowledge. This goes for both genders but for masculinity these are key components. Breaking boys to men is necessary because without doing this they will forever be boys. This is like an unwritten ritual for every boy that is making a transformation to a man. The toxic element of men is that all men must be tough and has to fight. The way we could change that is to stop encouraging violence and encourage people to start thinking before an action is done. I believe that colleges should not invest time or promote healthy masculinity. Things like this should not be taught in college but learned during their free time. I do not think about owning my masculinity at all. If I’m able to provide for myself on a daily basis I am as masculine as it gets. I have yet to see a professor who does not cultivate masculinity. All of the professors that I’ve had all seemed to carry themselves like men. No, I do not think about choosing a major that has to reach gender expectations. The expectations for my major are equal for both genders. Both male and females could succeed in communications.
We should be telling males that showing emotions is not a bad thing or considered unhealthy. Keeping things inside that are stressful or make you rather upset is extremely unhealthy. Often times males get the persona of being a jerk because they are told to suppress their emotions and be tough. Expressing emotions are considered weak and “a female” thing. By teaching males that it is okay to let your emotions out and do so in a healthy way, we may see the number of fights or even domestic violence decrease. Growing up when my little brother would become upset after keeping so much emotion in for a while, he would get so worked up and punch a wall. Punching walls is an example of what happens when some males keep what is bothering them or stressing them out inside, every thing boils over.
What does being a man mean to you?
To me, being a man means a couple of different things. First off, I would like to emphasize that males fall to victimization of societal roles just as much as any other group. Often times we overlook it or don’t even realize it but a lot is expected of males. Naturally men are expected to be tougher, mentally and physically. If there is a problem they are expected to “Man up” and get over. It is also generalized that talking about personal issues makes you weak. Personally, I agree and disagree with certain stereotypes of male based expectations but not because I am expected to, they are just my personal beliefs. For example I do think that as young man I should be a little tougher, the world can be a stressful place and for one to survive they must be strong enough to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and still pick themselves up. This doesn’t mean that I dont think therapy and talking about personal issues is wrong though. Everyone should talk to someone if they aren’t feeling themselves, if they are not willing to talk then a man should find another way to release their emotions in a positive way like sports or music. To me, being a man is being able to care and protect those you care about along with just trying to make the world a better place. A real man in my opinion should be able to understand how others may feel and should do their best to help out their fellow person.
Society is extremely too hard on boys. They are so focused on turning them into strong men that can provide and that do not show emotions, that they do not acknowledge the fact that they are human and absolutely have emotions that they cannot just keep buried forever. Having feelings does not make men girly or any less masculine. Everyone needs to vent and express emotions and feelings: it is a part of life. However, when men do show emotion or talk about feelings they get made fun of. Society associates men and feelings with being gay. While the two have no correlation whatsoever, that is how a lot of people think unfortunately. I have two younger brothers and my parents have never once told them to man up or to stop acting like a girl just because they were upset. They were encouraged to talk through their problems and thoughts just as I was and am. Gender should play no part in how mental health is handled. This is a huge reason why more men commit suicide than women. They bottle up their anger, frustration, and sadness until they simply cannot handle it anymore. It wears away at their mental sanity and self esteem. Showing emotion makes it difficult for many men to find a healthy relationship because women claim they want a tough guy, and tough guys do not cry or feel. That is an unfair expectation to place on someone, let alone an entire gender or almost half of the world. If women are encouraged to cry when they are sad and seek mental help when they feel unstable, the same should be done for men. It should actually be done when they are boys rather than men because it is hard to break a cycle like this once it has been going on for so long. We need to adjust how we raise boys vs girls and make sure they know that their feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s. Do not tell little boys to wipe some dirt on it and man up when they fall and then hold a little girl and let them cry when they get hurt the same way. This is negatively impacting both genders and creating unfair stereotypes for both genders, especially men.
Growing up with a family that are mainly boys, I witness the father figures in my life telling my brother that boys do not cry, and to man up. Being a mother myself, I tell my son that as well, because that was something we were all told. I did not realize that something like that would have an impact on a child. Now that I am a mother, I would tell my son that it is okay to cry, that it is okay for him to show his emotion, because I do not want this to effect my child in the long run
I think that male roles in America are not always so positive and lean more on the negative side. Men are always expected to be the strong backbone of society and especially within the family. This is not always easy as men can be just as sensitive as females. When people see men cry we often act surprised as if it’s not something a man should do. Have you ever seen a male in your family cry? Your brother, dad, grandfather, nephew? I feel as if we react to it differently then we would if we saw a female family member crying. But what is truly the difference? We all feel the same emotions and pain regardless of gender, so why react to it differently. However, I do think that gender roles are becoming better within American society as jobs are becoming more fair to both genders. As far as many negative aspects still exist today, we have began to stray away from many “men should do this”, “men should act this way”, “this is a mans job” theories.
I feel societal gender roles area hudge issue when confronting any and all issues. There is such a hudge dived in how each gender is expected to act and present themselves and these roles tend to cause more harm than we realise. For example the article mentioned the how boys are though to see sex are conquering and how it causes more sexual assults. In seeing that I think back to how men are looked up to if they have/ have had multiple partners but if a women has she can be seen as a slut. There is this expectation that one is supposed to be more sexually active and the other is not but then those roles don’t match up which can lead to unwilling participants. On the emotional issue the suppression of any emotion other than anger leads to so many problems such as fighting, abuse, and other criminal behavior because that is the only way that they know how to deal with their feelings. When we encourage this kind of culture we are encouraging the development of criminal behavior especially in adolecent boys, as well as promoting the victimzaton of girls. The gender dived is hudge when it comes to looking at multiple issues and it is a sign that there need to be some serious societal changes if we ever want to improve on both crime and life quality.
I grew up around a family with mainly boys, who were tough and never cried. Our generation teaches boys that crying isn’t acceptable and its a thing that only girls do. That is troubling because that’s like saying boys aren’t allowed to have feelings. The section about rape is also incredibly troubling. 1 in 5 women are raped during their college career, and I 100% stand behind the people that say something needs to be done. That is so sad, and I can’t believe that the statistics are that high. This whole article just states that there are so many problems with the system, and that we are teaching our boys to become someone that they are not. We are teaching them to disconnect themselves from who they are and send them out into the world and trust that they won’t do anything stupid.
I feel that gender roles in the US are very restrictive. I feel lucky that growing up my family did not push the traditional sense of masculinity on me. I was encouraged to show emotion even when it would be seen as “week” or not “manly.” However, as I grew older I felt the pressure from friends and teachers not to keep my feelings inside so as to not appear weak. I think that that pressure is very dangerous to young males because it forces them to cut themselves off from a part of who they are, which leads to difficulty later in life when the “Bro Code” doesn’t matter anymore but emotionally connecting with people is of greater importance.
Growing up my father always use to tell me that boys don’t cry and to man up. Back then i really didn’t know what it meant but all I wanted to do is be like my father big and tough. So growing up i always had that thought in the back of my head and never showed emotion when I got hurt or any other thing that would make a boy cry. I never realized that this could actually impact a boy when they grow up because they never say what is going on with them and just keep to themselves. Like in the video of the boy getting a shot he will always think that is bad to cry and to show emotion as they grow up. Overall the boys don’t cry theory i could relate too and this was an interesting article to read about this because i never knew that it could seriously affect a boy when they hold back all their emotions.
The whole quote, “be a man, boys don’t cry” thing really does play a part in a mans life. Growing up I always felt like men do not cry as often as others. I always was told by my father if something happened to grow up and toughen up. You’ll be alright little man its only a booboo. The whole idea that “men don’t cry” hurts us in expressing our true emotions to other men or even our spouses. When we can’t show emotion in being upset or hurt how else can we express it? One of the only things that comes to mind is anger. Something needs to be done about men not crying. Cause men cry more often then not. just when other people are not around.
I feel that growing up males are taught to act a certain way. Men are taught that crying and showing emotions is weird or looked down on. Growing up boys are taught to put up a wall and act strong. As they get older and experience life for themselves, they slowly realize that they are allowed to feel how they want. Also, acting strong and masculine all the time will allow them to fall into a rut of not being able to talk to women. Society puts a lot on men on how they should act and how they need to provide for their families. I think its not right to raise a kid to teach them that expressing his feeling is a sign of weakness because in the long run, he is going to have to be able to convey his feelings to the person he is in a relationship with or just anyone in general. They should be taught that it is normal to have feelings and be able to express them. Although some parents are still teaching their kids that being a boy you have to be tough, a lot of parents are starting to stray away from that concept. People in today’s society are becoming more tolerant of men being able to embrace their emotions and in reality girls are more likely to choose a guy that is able to convey his feelings to her.
bro code was very interesting to me because you never think about the smaller things. when i say smaller things I’m talking in the video of the boy getting a shot. at first i didn’t think anything was wrong with it. it looked normal to me, but after reading all of bro code and going back to watch it, and knowing what to look for my view changed. i think these types of things are over looked all to often, and so many people think that its normal to treat a boy like this. when in all reality its doing more damage then good. i don’t know if its a way that we can change this because its happening to often, but we need to start somewhere.
Growing up as kid, I was taught by my father a boy never cries. Whether I fell and scraped myself or hit my head, as child I always felt to hold in the pain and emotions. I had a mentality where if a friend or family member of mine showed any emotion, he was a wuss or something. Throughout my life, I pretty much lived by the “boys don’t cry” standard. Importantly, this can be an issue for young men growing up. Because the more and more a person holds in all their emotions, they’ll probably demonstrate more aggressiveness towards other. I think now looking back, it is okay to show some type of emotions if something is bothering a person.
I found the “Bro Code” very interesting because I never would have thought it was a big problem for men to be tough. I always thought that how men are supposed to be while growing up. My dad was the type to be the tough guy and it rubbed off on me and I became like him. Throughout my childhood, I played football and you can’t show weakness or else everyone bullies you for crying. I think just about all men are taught to be tough and not cry, at least in front of people. I believe that this could cause issues in the future like having anger issues or become depressed. I do not think it is right that we are all taught to be tough and taught to not cry. Hopefully people start to realize that its not healthy and could cause problems with the individuals.
Being tough or masculine is something that my 3 brothers and I were all raised to be, although not to the level of most boys are. My dad represents the softer, nicer parent role in my family and so he never really forced us to be tough. However, our desire to be manly was still there and came from mostly external sources, such as: sports and school. Growing up, I was always forced to play football and do wrestling. These sports represent a certain need to be manly and rough and I definitely absorbed that. In high school, I tried to quit wrestling but my dad would not allow it. Perhaps that was his of way of keeping me tough. In school, it was always best to act tough and masculine. No one would mess with the tough guy. Despite how long this tough guy culture has existed, it does seem like most new parents are moving away from that. As a whole, the US seems to be becoming more tolerant of men embracing their softer side, although very slowly.
As I read this I see how this “be a man, boys don’t cry” thing really does play a part in a mans life. When us guys are told to not cry even when things are really bad it kills our emotions. We grow dull to pain, seeing another guy hurt or who is crying then makes us respond in the way we shouldn’t in telling them to just suck it up you’ll be fine. I believe this idea that men don’t cry hurts us in expressing displeasure to other or even our spouses. When we can’t show emotion in that way what other way is there to show but anger. We can’t express ourselves in crying so being angry is usually the guys next response. We need to fix this stigma that boys don’t cry.
I think that there are times when young children are taught to not show fear or emotion. In the video with the young African American boy, I don’t think the father meant it as a way to be different and never show emotion. I think it was more of a way for the boy to say, “yea it hurt but I’m going to get threw it.” And this can go for either gender. I don’t think there is anything wrong with showing emotion at all, but there comes a time and place where you can’t just be hurt over every obstacle that life throws your way. To me “being a man” simply means owning up to things that I do and not being torn down by things I can’t control. And that could be the same for a women as well.
I never thought this was as big of an issue as it is. I for myself was raised by that “boys don’t cry” standard. I am the youngest of 4 brothers and of course they picked on me as a kid and when I would cry they would just make it worse. Until one time I got mad enough and didn’t cry and I started doing the teasing and stuff as the little brother and they didn’t like it. As well for my nephews, when they all cry or start to show sentimental emotions my brother tells them to stop crying so I see this issue from a first person point of view and I’m sure others have as well. I personally do not feel it has affected me in any ways being raised like that, but I do understand the issue and I do not believe it is right to force others to not show emotion because eventually they will not know how to show it and they will have serious problems in the future.
In society men are told to be the protectors and to not have emotions when it comes to everything I think in some aspects this is true because men want to protect people and when women are asked why they don’t need to protect anyone it is because they say the man does it. Although I feel as though men should be the protectors they are scared when it comes to having that image of always having to protect anyone which causes them in the end to have no emotions which is sad. The world portrays men as not having any emotions when it comes to protecting people and anything else in general, I know personally some men feel that when everyone expects them to have no emotions is sexist and that I totally agree with because women shouldn’t be the only ones that can express their emotions in any situation.
For some boys, the moment they learn to talk, they are taught that their natural emotions are a form of weakness. Without realizing it, this can damage a boy’s ability to express himself and open up with others. From a young age, most boys are told that they have to be brave and strong in order to be considered a man. The video of the child getting a vaccination is a perfect example of that. As a result, the boy may eventually struggle to show any emotions with others because he has been taught to bury the pain and be able to handle any situation. Boys should be able to express themselves but instead they are shamed and ridiculed for it.
Today’s society males are taught to limit their emotions. Proving your masculinity is almost engraved in men today. Showing feelings or emotions is often viewed as weak. Men and women are built different in many ways but they are both humans. Therefore men do need to express their emotions. Bottling up emotions can and has caused emotional and psychological scarring. If a man is to cry or show some form of emotion that can be taken as femininity they are looked at as a failed male. Men are suppose to be masculine in every way. The stereotype of a man is to be strong, independent, competitive and tough but to also be stoical. To endure pain and hardship but without showing feeling or complaining. We are telling our younger males at the simple age of 4 that crying is a girl thing. When I first saw the video of the little boy getting a shot I didn’t really think much about it. However now being exposed to the “bro code” I do see the problem that lies. We often don’t think of the long term effect it has on males and that they’ll just get over it.
According to modern US culture, to be a man is to be a fearless, and essentially emotionless individual. A man does not cry, a man does not talk about his feelings. However, this cultural perspective of masculinity starkly contradicts what biology would suggest; that men like women need to express their emotions in a healthy manner to live a “sane” lifestyle. But by the stigma of a man showing his emotions to be looked at as a failed man, or a woman; then men bottle up their emotions inside themselves. This phenomena coupled with the stigma of seeking treatment for mental health discourages men especially from seeking treatment and instead rely on use of force or violence (as shown by our society) to prove his masculinity to himself or to society.
Masculinity is such an important thing in our culture. Men are supposed to be tough, muscled, fearless and the most important thing they are supposed to be emotionless, right. Wrong we are raising our men to live up to this definition of masculinity and not allowing them to be who they want to be. Honestly, I do not know where we got this thing of men can’t cry, and if you do you are not a man. Crying is an emotion, it’s something that is inside of everyone, it’s like saying to them if they get a cut they can’t bleed. We are stripping our men from feeling how they really feel. Another thing people always say is that boys can’t do is play with dolls or strollers or kitchen sets when they are kids because they are girl toys. This always blew my mind because your saying that girls are the only ones that should practice being mother’s by playing with dolls and playing with kitchen sets. Because I am pretty sure men become fathers also and should be able to take care of their child and cook also, but playing with dolls and kitchen sets is not going to make them men so it’s kind of forbidden. It’s like we are telling men they must be angry all the time, and when they feel pain they are not supposed to show it.
The concept of masculinity that is shown to boys at a young age is the problem. Society tells young boys not to show any emotion when they’re upset. As young as ages of 3 or 4 years old, as shown in the video boys are told things such as “be a man” and “only girls cry”. The father in the video is partially instilling this message into his son’s head , and as a young boy he take this messages with him into their later years and likely his entire live. However, “the Bro code” also talks about the correlation between rape on campuses and drinking. it’s crazy to think statistically 1in 5 women are raped during their college career. Kimmel, thinks if we should focus on reducing binge drinking and prosecuting perpetrators. But, another problem, according to Kimmel, is that many college men are insecure, unprepared for sex, and desperate to prove themselves to their friends. He says many of them approach hookups with the mentality that “sex is a battle: I have to conquer you, I have to break down your resistance.” this is actually sad this does go down on campuses. Yes many campuses follow the Clery act, this was made after a young women named Jeanne Clery , 19 years was raped and murdered in her college dormitory at Lehigh University. Her parents, Connie and Howard Clery, could not have known the danger she was in; standards for campus crime reporting simply did not exist in 1986. So the Clerys put into motion transformative change on two important fronts. So is it really ” boys will be boys” or is this the break down of boys and having to prove their masculinity?
The concept of masculinity is not nearly as problematic as its interpretative application. There are several “values” of masculinity that I, even as a woman, can appreciate. Strength (both physical and emotional), hard-working, perseverance, confidence. Unfortunately one of the principal issues is that these characteristics are marketed as exclusively male or masculine. Under this framework, a woman is not eligible to possess any of these characteristics. By implementing a divide between what characteristics are inherently male or masculine and what characteristics are exclusively female or feminine, a toxic interaction occurs. These exclusions create a dependence on gendered traits, resulting in individuals being trapped inside boxes of what they are expected to be like. The toxicity and acting out often associated with masculinity is a direct result of men being discouraged from exploring other facets of their personalities and the limitations set on how they can and cannot express themselves.
This is a very simple issue. There are two paths you can go: perpetuate the “tough male” stereotype, or don’t. I will not deny that we are taught it from a young age and that our being masculine affects how we act and how we are treated throughout our lives, but it gets to a point where you yourself have to draw the line. A big part of being a man is being independent, so to me following the stereotypical crowd isn’t “manly” at all. When we are little we try to be big tough guys, but at a certain age you have to realize that this isn’t entirely you and draw the line somewhere in the sand. At that point it is just a matter of how much you care about the approval of your peers. Some guys love drinking beer and being in frats at 19. If that’s their thing, cool. But if it isn’t don’t be afraid to do your own thing. That’s the biggest part of being a man.
I feel like this piece of writing is extremely important in today’s society. I always kid around to my friends that ‘chivalry really isn’t dead’, but now reading from the perspective of a male having to keep up with his society, I almost see chivalry in a different light. The video about rape culture especially stood out to me. It is an astonishing concept that as a society to make efforts to teach girls methods to avoid getting raped but ironically do not teach boys not to rape. This video may seem quite harsh, but it is sad that to get such a sensitive point across you have to be extremely sarcastic so that it can be remembered.
In the world I live in here at Loyola, or even in my well-off white home town, the theory of the “Bro Code” could not be more relevant. What’s comical to think about after reading this is how often I hear my brother or my guy friends say something like “Oh I never cry.” Because what these men are taught is crying makes you weak, and crying makes you look like a “pussy.” Guys too often are putting their friends down for doing something out of the norm, or NOT conforming to the group of guys they are friends with. Ironically, guys I would say are just as cliquey as girls, only in a less obvious way. They are put down for not having sex, or not drinking enough, or staying in to do work instead of going out on a Thursday night. Guys often times don’t have a say in what they want to do, because they will be ridiculed if they don’t.
Most men in the millennial generation are still raised to believe they have to be a man, and have to be tough and unaffected by emotional triggers. They say “I don’t cry” because they believe they’re not supposed to, and that they’re not allowed to. The little boy in the video for example, if fighting off his feelings because he is told to do so, and believes that his father is right, because why wouldn’t he be? The idea of being a man is so “ingrained” in men at a young age that it is hard for them to think otherwise. Therefore it is hard for our society to think otherwise.
The double standard that often takes place is another example of this divide. Men are told they’re a “ladies man” or “a boss” of “the man” when they have sex with a lot of girls, but girls are called whores, sluts, and drunk idiots.
They way we are raised a believe has a huge impact on these stereotypes. You are put into a society with certain beliefs and certain ideologies. What we need to do better is let men know it’s okay to cry and let them know that masculinity is not all what being a man is. I was raised to know that a man is something with respect, manners, and a good head on his shoulders, which is all it should be.
Many people have many different ideas about what it means to be a man. I believe being a man has nothing to do with gender and has nothing to do with being “macho.” Being a man, in my opinion, is doing the right thing even when it is extremely difficult. It is much harder to resist doing the wrong thing than to be physically fit and insensitive. Aristotle points this out beautifully, “I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” I consider someone who suffers judgement from society and suffers torture for what one believes in is much more of a man than someone who simply conditions himself physically and treats others poorly. If one simply observes society, this notion can easily be proven because one will see there are many “macho” men but very few true men. Overall, being a man is anyone (male or female) who does the right thing and is rooted in the good even when it is difficult.
I think one of the most harmful aspects of the type of learned masculinity Reiner studies is “the shame over feeling any sadness, despair or strong emotion other than anger, let alone expressing it.” Teaching boys that they should be ashamed for having emotions (other than anger), or for feeling deeply or passionately about anything ultimately makes them averse to, and incapable of incorporating their feelings, or other people’s feelings into their decisions.
When we teach boys that it is against their nature as males to feel and express emotions, they are unlikely to develop a sense of empathy. I think this is especially problematic when we live in a patriarchal society. Men (namely, white men) are the most privileged members of our society. If the most privileged members of a society are not empathetic, or have even been taught that being empathetic is shameful and makes them weak, the society will remain oppressive over its unprivileged members, because the privileged members are male, and they will never feel or express empathy for those who are oppressed. Someone who has learned not to have or express feelings will not likely ever take it upon themselves to stand up for someone else’s feelings or emotions – they might actually be more likely to try to invalidate the emotions of others, because as privileged members of society, they might think that not acknowledging the problems of the oppressed members can benefit them.
From a young age, gender norms are implanted in our minds. For example, I wanted to play soccer when I was young. However, the soccer team in my town was co-ed until high school, so neither of my parents would let me play soccer. They thought that the boys would be too rough and that I would not be able to compete with them. I was only allowed to be an Irish step dancer. Ever since then I was taught that men are stronger than women and had the impression that women could not be athletes. If my parents had a son, I guarantee that he would not be allowed to Irish step dance but he would be encouraged to play soccer and beat all of the girls. This could also deal with my family’s social class. My family is financially well off and fits the stereotype for a wealthy and traditional family. Perhaps a family of a lower socio-economic class would have less traditional views and would not hold such tight of gender norms. However, I do believe that the idea of how masculinity should be acted is so embedded in American culture that it cuts across all races and classes.
Society ranks masculinity on too high of a standard. In my psychology of gender class, we discussed that “gender” encompasses societal norms of femininity and masculinity. When we think gender, we think that males should be physically strong and not show too much emotion. This is seen in the video where a little boy is discouraged from crying while he gets a vaccination. This could be a factor to why more men commit suicide than women do. Even the different ways of committing suicide could be attributed to gender norms. While men commit suicide more than women, women attempt to commit suicide more than men. The reasoning behind this is that men tend to use more lethal ways of committing suicide, such as a gunshot, while women tend to overdose on drugs. Men may feel that drugs are too feminine to kill themselves and they have to do it the macho way.
During college, women are not supposed to get too drunk at parties or at bars, but men are expected to. If a man goes out and does not get drunk, he is considered to be too much of a girl. With men expected to binge drink, it makes sense that so many sexual assaults discussed in the media involved the male perpetrator intoxicated at the time of the rape. Men are also expected to have sex with many women in American culture. If men were not expected to binge drink and have a lot of sex, then perhaps sexual assaults would not happen as often as they do.
This article was very interesting to read. To me and my family, masculinity is not just about being strong emotionally and physically. Playing a sport or not showing emotion like not crying does not prove that you are more of a man who cries or does another activity besides sports. Some of the things said about masculinity was not surprising because it is the common thing to think, but sometimes I do not understand how you cannot think that one who does not have those traits is not masculine. Therefore, I find reading things like this intriguing. The one thing that really caught me off guard was the video of that little boy getting shots. It is appalling that he was expected to try his hardest not to cry for something that is very painful to many people especially when one is that young.
This video brought something up in my mind about how people usually like to raise young boys. For toys, they usually want to focus on “manly” things like tools, action figures, weapons, and more. For most dads, if they would see their boy pick up a baby doll or play house, they would be very upset. This should not be. They should think that this may help off for the future learning how to care and other things like that. They just think about how to make the boy as masculine as possible. However, I do hear and know more people now a days that are doing the opposite of what the dad did in the video. They do encourage boys to play with dolls, house, or less masculine toys. For example, I once babysat my 3 year old cousin and we had to find his baby and play with him and dress him. I feel like not teaching them to suck things that hurt up, not cry, or do not do girls things at a young age is a good start to maybe beginning to fix the masculinity problem. Maybe if we start raising kids like this, the idea of masculinity being associated with strength with fade and it could be looked at differently in the future.
I found this article interesting and multiple things jumped out at me. The first thing I noticed was the course that focused on masculinity. I found it so interesting that there are so many women studies classes, however there are none for men. I think sometimes society and women focus so much on the injustices within the female sex that we forget that men also have societal pressures. They are taught not to cry, show emotion and be tough. Boys are taught to not complain and just deal with it, or suck it up. If a man doesn’t play a sport then he is viewed as less masculine. Also, if men don’t watch sports or aren’t up to date on athletes then they are judged. Creativity is a feminine quality that men are taught is a negative thing.
One way I think we can change these perceptions is the media’s portrayal. that is the fastest way to reach the largest amount of people. All of the male leads in movies today are either superheros, bad guys, or tough guys who save the day. When was the last time we saw a movie about a man who was a writer? Or a man who was a teacher. In advertisements too men are muscular and well built. Colleges also have very sexist majors. Rarely do you see a man in the school of education, or in the art school. There are definitely jobs and professions that are deemed appropriate for men and women. It is important for men to hold a position of power in their profession. Colleges should encourage men to break out of these stereotypical majors or leave more room for electives so students can try other classes and find their interests.
In my opinion, the media and modern day society seem to depict a true man to be strong, assertive, dominating, and confident. They are expected to hold power through high paying jobs, be athletic, love the outdoors, be great at fixing things, and over all simply being stripped of heavy emotion or feeling. These stereotypes create a very narrow minded perception of the ideal man. Although some of these stereotypes are harmless and can truly be attributed to many masculine men in the world, I believe that it is the way that society and the media throw the expectations towards young boys at an early age that makes it toxic.
The “Bro Code” is particularly interesting in the sense that it speaks solely about men, regardless of the mention of any intersecting identities such as age, race, or sexual orientation. Although these factors are very much important, I think it goes to say that in the modern day American culture, masculinity is seen on a spectrum, and through this spectrum, those that fall into the stereotypical categorization of being masculine often receive the greatest levels of respect in society for their appearance and mentalities. It is only through the intersectionality of privileged identities that men are allowed to bend the “stereotypical norm” and become considered as acceptable for straying from the masculine ideal. This can be both dangerous or beneficial, depending on the situation and the portrayal of those involved.
For example, when 21 year old white male Dylann Roof committed a mass shooting at a church in Charleston, the media was quick to label him as a “lone wolf”–a sad boy who’s life was simply burdened by mental illness and a lack of adequate resources. What allowed Dylann Roof to be labeled as a lone wolf rather than a terrorist or a thug is his white privilege. For this reason, many people pitied him despite the horrible crime he committed. They felt for him and his struggle with mental illness, rather than attacking him for being emotionally charged and unable to keep himself together, two traits often deemed as stereotypically feminine rather than masculine.
Another example is the current craze concerning male politicians shedding tears while in office. A January 2016 article by “The Guardian” called crying an “important tool in the campaign armoury,” nothing that in previous years tears could “finish a political career.” This makes me question what changed to cause society’s sudden warming up to politicians such as President Obama, who was known to have cried “at least five times since he’s been in office” (as of January 2016). It is safe to say, however, that the president’s power and prestige most definitely is a privilege that allows him to gain positive attention from deviating from the stereotype that real men don’t cry.
It is through representation from powerful people such as the President, that society naturally grows accustomed to accepting behaviors such as this, giving them a far more positive reaction than if the act was committed by an individual of lesser power instead. However, it is also frightening to realize that infamous individuals such as Dylann Roof could be mislabeled due to their privileged intersecting identities. This creates a twisted view that is extremely toxic to society, putting us a step backwards in the path to understanding identities in an unbiased manner.
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/09/the-crying-game-obama-tears-politicians
Regarding the last two discussion questions, they are particularly relevant as a college senior looking forward to engaging in the world outside of academia. I think there are certain STEM professions that are male dominated creating difficulty for women to break through. It can be daunting and intimidating for women to break through in careers in technology or engineering. My dad is a construction engineer and there is only one female working in the managerial section along with him. He often says that she receives some difficulties on job sites being a woman and sometimes having men dismiss her capabilities. Also within the corporate world and in politics there is certainly a strong brotherhood. The fact that the United States has yet to have a female leader is quite incredible as we like to see ourselves as the leaders of the free world, yet we have barely given such high positions to females and those marginalized by society.
I also view gender expectations as having some influences on a college major or profession. My girl friends in humanities majors such as Psychology or Writing often lament the lack of males in their classes. While my girl friends that are Math majors often note the lack of other girls in their class room. From my view it seems that the soft sciences attract more females than the hard sciences. Which from my opinion can be seen as a reflection of the societal norms of women taking softer, or lesser roles in society than men.
Being a man can be described by people in all sorts of ways. What one person thinks a man is can be drastically different from what another person might think. To me, being a man means to be strong in every aspect to live a better a fuller life. Whether its being strong mentally dealing and overcoming difficult situations by oneself, or maybe even just have strong morals or will to live by which will enrich one’s life. Not only do men need to be strong, but they need to have a sense of decorum and chivalry. Men need to treat women just as they would their mother who brought them into this world. Being a man takes responsibility for their own actions and their loved ones. Yes, societal claims suggest men should be “dominant”, or “controlling”, but those traits could be seen in women as well. A man owns up to his mistakes and learns from it to not make that mistake again. Masculinity itself is defined by words such as “power”, “alpha”, and “strength”, which do resemble what a man actually perceives in this society, but I think there is just more to being a man than that. Society says that men have a greater chance at getting a job or getting paid more, and other positive social roles. Rather, to me, part of being a man is realizing that we are all human beings and all have the same opportunities. Respecting oneself and others is one of the biggest aspects of being a man.
It is a very interesting notion that as a society we train our boys and young men to be emotionless yet become outraged when we behold statistics that approximately 6 million women are abused at the hands of their male partner every year. Its amazing that we think we can continue to embed in the minds of little boys that the outward expression of emotion is considered weak and feminine. Its no wonder why so many men disregard the emotional needs of women and sometimes leave them in a worse emotional wreck than their previous condition, it is because they are unable to acknowledge their own. What it means to be a man is to show regard for others, to accept, handle and take care of responsibilities (especially ones created by oneself), to create an atmosphere that enlightens, empowers and elevates others connected to them. What separates a man from a man-child is mentality and unfortunately mentality is a product of nature and nurture and if a boy/young man is placed in an environment where male chauvinistic values are taught and encouraged then their mentality as an male adult will manifest that. As a mother of a 7 year old boy, I feel as if it is my responsibility to prepare him to enter into healthy relationships with girls/women by allowing him to express his emotions no matter the form. It is my responsibility as his mother to show him that being a man does includes being masculine but that masculinity does not mean superiority towards women.
If we consider the intersection between race and masculinity, then the criteria to be a man or “bro” may shift a bit. While culturally defined standards of masculinity persist, I think White manhood vs Asian manhood or Black manhood, for example, are important to identify because they are distinct. Hopefully, the sweeping generalizations I infer about race and the subject of masculinity will not offend anyone who reads them because they are solely based on my informal observations and sentiments. Lets suppose White masculinity as the default criteria to define manhood. Masculine traits, such as being competitive, non-emotional, self-confident, etc in our culture very likely derived from European culture and persist today. So how do minority masculines measure up the standards established by White masculinity? Many statics show that African American women are the head of household in Black families and it wouldn’t surprise me that these facts can be emasculating to Black men. Despite the successful assimilation by Asian men into American culture as “model minorities”, Asian men are often subjected to unfounded stereotypes that they are submissive. Therefore, Asian men have to make strong efforts to convey that they are alpha males. Latino male identity is often connected to quintessential masculinity because Latino families are often categorized as being conservative or traditional.
This “Bro Code” module enlightened me as to how institutions of higher learning solidify the socialization process of masculinity. College teaches or at least reinforce masculinity to males. While I feel concepts of masculinity may vary from race to race or ethnicity, colleges reaffirm and guide masculinity for many young males
To me, being a man is just trying to be a good person who can express their opinions and feelings without becoming angry while maintaining the same emotional maturity while exposed to different opinions or feelings. I also think a man should be financially independent, the same thing goes for being a woman or any adult.
I think that social roles for men in the U.S. are negative and that they encourage apathy and acting out frustrations through violence. It isn’t seen as manly to cry or express any emotions other than anger, horny-ness, and limited happiness.
I think crucial and healthy elements of masculinity should be self-respect and respect for others. This extends to respect for others’ bodies, opinions, and sexual preferences.
The most toxic elements of masculinity would be the repression of emotions and the channeling of these repressed emotions into violence or angry outbursts. This could be changed by encouraging boys to express themselves with their words and to think about conflicts from all perspectives starting from an early age.
How do you personally “own” your masculinity? Or do you not think about it at all?
I don’t think men really think about their masculinity. men learn how to be men as they go through life. especially when they have no father figure in life. they learn through social media they learn through movies they learn through other guy friends that may or may not have a father in their live. what makes a man masculine to me is knowing how to fix a car or mowing a lawn or getting dirty, owning up to responsibilities. there a show called Guy Code on MTV2 that speaks about everything that is socially acceptable and things that aren’t socially acceptable to do its one of my favorite shows.
Guy Code and peer pressure https://youtu.be/8CVBo8ASXYw?list=PLdLWOIduFCTrtz09pm5tyiZfh-jNhu6vy
It is so unfortunate how young boys are broken down in order to build men. They are taught not to feel, not to cry, not to hurt, and this very method is so harmful both to the male and anyone he encounters. These men that were once broken as young boys will be the same men that do not understand how to love, how to care, or do anything else besides provide and protect, and often turn out to be the men that beat on the women they were supposed to love. I can fully relate to this. I have dealt with a man that was taught how not to act, and built up into something that was neither healthy for he nor I. As a woman in that place, growing up being taught to be comfortable with your emotions and capable of love, you feel it is your job to chip away at the exterior, and rebuild that man. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you are not, but I can not picture the mother or father that intended to raise an unhappy young man, that bottles his emotions to a dangerous level, because he can not properly express them. Boys need to be taught to embrace their emotions in a healthy way for the benefit of himself and those around him.
Growing up i have always been told by my mother that i need to be a man, but i never knew what it meant to be a man. the way i was always told and shown how to be a man is that i have to be independent, not really caring, muscular, look trendy, drink alcohol, be a smooth talker and talk to many women everyday. it was not until i sat down with my step father and after that talk i started to get an idea of what it means to be a man. Being a man means you are responsible when it comes to your duties, showing love to your family, show that you care for their well being, working hard everyday so your family does not need to worry about any financial issues and always being their when you need them.
i feel that social roles for male’s in the united states are to be considered to be negative in the united states. In the United States we have this Idea where in which if a male does not fit the requirements to be masculine then he is belittled and mocked for not meeting the requirements. there are very few males that can fit the ideal masculinity type but not every male can achieve it. I have felt restrictive and confined by the ideals masculinity ideals and i always had to second guess myself whenever i wanted to do an action. I would always ask myself would people around me think less manly of me if i wanted to talk about my problems, liked listening to certain pop songs, share emotions and more. I dont believe i meet the requirements in society to be masculine, i just find myself to be a guy that does not fit into the ideals type of masculinity but i am my own man
I feel the whole structure of how boys are raised from birth pretty much sets them up when it comes to having emotions. Because men are told that crying and being sensitive is looked down upon, they feel the need to build up this wall that doesn’t allow them to be open about what they are feeling. As a child boys that cry are told “boys don’t cry” even if the poor kid feel off his bike and scraped his knees bloody. This act is basically tearing away the emotional factor that is needed to be a successfully functioning human being. These boys are going to grow up and not know how to talk to women and be in successful, healthy relationships with a partner. I understand that society itself puts a lot on mens shoulders when it comes to be being the breadwinner in families, however, its no excuse to be an asshole every day of their lives. Being intact with their feelings should not be a sign of weakness, or just to simply talk about their feelings-especially if they are sad. Its completely normal to have feelings and boys should not be raised that having perfectly normal feelings is a bad thing. They should be taught instead to learn how to deal with certain emotions of anger, sadness and any other emotion that does not represents “Happiness.”
I do agree that a world where the rift between male and female emotional range as shortened would be a wonderful place .Enlightenment must happen at the parental stage, most parents are unaware what a grand effect their minuscule teaching have on a young child . Small changes in our parental guidance could close the gap that men need to be ok with showing emotion as that is a natural human reaction .
Most men are naturally predisposed with these traits however, an alpha should not be associated with the sexually inappropriate behavior and unruly conduct .A man should be able to display strong characteristics while respecting the strength that woman have to offer also. There are many men who are assertive and dominant yet not overwhelmingly uncomfortable to the opposite sex .
I cannot attempt to answer or ponder the question of being a man, as I find that there are not, or more importantly; should not, be any particular set of characteristics that distinguish a man from a woman. The predominant traits that characterize masculinity in many societies are in my opinion, completely dehumanized. Popular culture teaches us that to be a man entails visceral and almost purely physical actions or reactions. The man is a vessel of power, seldom capable of expression that s profound or embedded in emotion. This is because the idea of emotions themselves have been nearly exclusively tethered to the social construction of a woman, and so to engage with ones emotions and to present yourself as such would render you the opposite of what a man is thought to be, therefore immediately making you vulnerable and emasculated.
A man, like a woman, should not be distinguished by any generalizations. A human’s nature should be delineated by their individualistic nature. I become particularly bothered by the notion of emasculating, because it implies that the holding of any measure of masculinity is of such value, that it threatens one’s character. The term itself is synonymous with weakness and the idea of being crippled.
I believe that these sexist and restraining ideas are perpetuated throughout an overwhelming amount of mediums in our culture and society, and this ubiquitous presence or transmission of the idea continues to reenforce its presentation. Because of this we are, whether knowingly or not, conditioning our males to be themselves objects responsive only in raw, overpowering reactions. We are teaching men to value the traits that further deviate them from women, which in turn handicaps them already. I find that sports in particular praise much of the aggressive and hostile behavior that is today, associated with being a man as it explicitly communicates that without strength, you are immediately in danger of being emasculated.
I disagree with the statement that it is necessary for boys to be “broken” to become men. In many cultures, the stereotype being promoted is that to be a man, it is necessary to be physically and emotionally tough. As the video showed, the boy is taught by his father that men do not cry; because showing emotions makes them look weak. Macho culture, or Bro culture, suggests that real men have to be aggressive, promiscuous and strong. Any other way, and they will be called “pussy” and people will make fun of them. These stereotypes make boys grow up to be angry men. On the contrary, my belief is that if we treat boys with love and respect, and validate their emotions; they will grow up to be self -respectful and emotionally stable men.
As a woman, the definition of what it is to be a man was never explained to me. However, being raised in a Dominican home and constantly being surrounded by male friends, I can definitely see what it means to be a man. In my family, and culture as well, being a man means you wear the pants in the house. You are THE man and you have set rules down for others to follow. The man is in charge at all times even when he is not home. The man is allowed to have multiple women and it is okay if they have children out of wedlock too. The men are supposed to talk a certain way. For example, their voice needs to carry a certain type of authority over others. If the man cheats on his wife, he is still allowed to return home and the wife should forgive him. It is interesting to think that all these things would be a complete insult if the roles were reversed. Women do not have the same leeway. I also observed that men are told to be men when they are not acting according to their masculine roles. The only circumstance I was able to see a man cry was when someone they loved died. It is always looked negatively if a man expresses his emotions. Having a younger brother has also opened up my eyes to the role males are supposed to play in society. When I was about 15 years old, I remember getting in trouble for having a boyfriend and having to get disciplined for it, but now that my brother is around the same age and was found with a girl my parents decided to applaud him for it. He was congratulated for “being a man” and showing it. For obvious reasons that irritated me but it also shows that there are differences between gender roles and that from a very young age boys are conditioned to what it means to be a man. I want to share a video I found where men aged 5–50 were asked to describe what it means to “Be a Man.” Hope everyone likes it.
One Word – Episode 14: Be a Man (Men):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYvWhzSKoc4
Society tells young boys that they are not supposed to show any emotion when they’re upset. As young as ages of 3 or 4 years old, as shown in the video boys are told things such as “be a man” and “only girls cry”. By beating this message into their heads at such a young age, they take these messages with them into their later years and likely their entire lives. If this video was of a young girl crying while getting a shot, and her mom was saying “be a woman” there would be all types of controversial comments over it. The reactions would be completely different.
The “bro code” typically starts in high school. These are the boys that are on sports teams, wear lacrosse pinnies, and wear shorts no matter how cold it is outside. These groups of boys form into a circle of friends and are always together. After graduation these bros will go off to college and form more bro friends. They will go play college lacrosse, wear salmon colored shorts and sperry’s, and will have a pack of natty lights in hand every Friday night for their frat parties. When people refer to bros, we all think of the same type of people, and the photo in the article accurately portrays the bros. Those who do not follow this “bro code” are seen as weird, or the kids who don’t fit in. Just because a boy does not have the interests of a bro, he should not be ridiculed of his own interests. Boys feel the pressure of fitting in and acting the “right way” just to make it through their adolescent years.
Its fascinating to me to see how “Bro code” governs and operates in different settings. But in college and hs aged bros, the overarching theme is you have to win. you have to beat “them”. And literally “them”, is anyone in opposition. Be it a sports team, or the opposing gender. It’s literally as though the first rule of Bro code is you take what you want and you make no apologies. That’s whats really being taught to young boys, that angry and aggression are the only healthy avenues of expression, and you can go ahead and feel free to bully, harass, assault and it will all be okay because it will be shoved under the umbrella of “boys will be boys”
And sadly, they’re not wrong. HS and College aged boys can get away with a lot more. Be it with round-housing with each other or assaulting or raping. How many stories have we heard of schools or universities covering up scandals only to be made out later? Where whole police departments won’t investigate instances because they will just deffer to the universities administration to deal with reprimanding the perpetrating bros? Who won’t by the way, the in the best interest of the Uni to keep crime states low and they will likely brush it under the carpet or report it as a lesser offense. And then thse bros go on to the work force, with the same “if you want it–take it” mentality and harass a whole new myriad of people until they settle down and raise little bros of their own and teach them the same thing they were taught, that this is completely normal.
Here’s a clip form Amy Shumer’s show, albeit the point is to make fun of Friday Night Lights, that I think is entirely relevant to the whole Bro culture/rape conversation.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM2RUVnTlvs&w=560&h=315%5D
Indeed, you are correct! And yes, that Amy Shumer clip illustrates perfectly – one of my all time faves of many. Going to add this link to the website. Thanks for sharing!
I personally abhor those who make it a point to teach their male children this blatant untruth. Parents effectively cut off their male children from feeling and being a child. by placing the burden of masculinity and all it entails at such an early age, little boys learn almost immediately that they are supposed to project fearlessness and strength in the face adversity no matter how afraid they are and no matter how scary that fear appears to be because being afraid is unacceptable. Little boys are taught “Boys Don’t Cry” and to “Man Up” or he will be considered a sissy.
I strongly believe that teaching is pure, unadulterated child abuse. To deny a male child the god given right to cry if he is hurt, or afraid, or in pain. in my opinion crying takes away NOTHING from a Man. What crying does is cleanse….that is the reason I never once utter those words to my son. I’ve always felt that CRYING only added to a man’s masculinity…those were the words I spoke to my son….for any MAN who wasn’t afraid to allow others to see his hurt and pain and was able to look anyone in the eye immediately thereafter…..was a man who is secure in both his masculinity and his skin.
I think being a man means you’re a guy that is able to provide and take care of yourself and other like a family. I think the most toxic parts of masculinity is the idea that most of society accepts that to be a man you must fit into this macho box and if your don’t your a “sissy” or gay. To get rid of this idea we need to have more role models that aren’t just big and buff but can use they’re brains, like more spider mans. He was a skinny smart kid that because a super hero. I don’t think colleges and universities should invest in promoting healthy masculinity I think it should start much earlier like elementary and move on in to middle school where they should teach about consent and what it means to have consent. I know like most people I started to learn and hear about sex in middle school from other class mates. They should also teach about different body types and that not all men or huge and buff.
We’ve discussed it in class before, but the statistics of females being raped on college campuses still hit me like a punch to the face. It’s unbelievable, and I feel like using alcohol as a scapegoat is real problematic. Maybe it’s because I never went to a college with a real campus or experienced that collegiate culture like that, but if these numbers are real then I don’t think masculinity studies are the whole answer. I think a cultural shift needs to occur starting with younger boys teaching them about sex and about consent and about the real consequences for the VICTIMS of rape. I remember in high school they put so much emphasis on preventing drunk driving (not too many kids even had cars) while rape was never brought up, at least not to the boys. I don’t know if I’m being insensitive to male college students who aren’t in touch with their emotions or personal identity, but I dropped off both my older sisters at college and If i had seen these numbers I know I would of protested and thats not fair.
Michael Kimmel makes this exact argument in his book “Guyland.” And a lot of people have criticized him for it. I can understand some aspects of the criticism, but teaching boys not to value the sexual objectification of women and, likewise, not to rape (as opposed to teaching girls how to avoid getting raped) would be a good place to start.
I think that social roles for men in the U.S, can be both negative and positive. Certain roles can encourage men to achieve great success in their personal lives, while other roles can promote negative behavior where men excell at the expense of others. Some social roles can also be restricting and confining. Men are often told that to be masculine is to not show any emotions. This can be both restricting and confining because some men would be afraid of expression emotions in fear of having their masculinity questioned; and when they do express their emotions they’re cast out as not being masculine enough. Being a man seems to be a double edged sword.
To be a man in this society is the best thing ever. It seems to be that being a man gives you rights to do as you please and everything has to go how you want it to. Men are told from birth that are not to have emotions, they are not to let a woman become better then them. They are to put their big boy pants on and act in a manner that shows that they must get their way, “un machista” like Hispanics say. I think that maybe if men didn’t go off this ideology of how they’re “supposed” to act and just keep and even spectrum with woman, I think this idea of being a big man or the man is head of household would be different and maybe even a better way to have things equal with everyone. Everything can’t always be man made. Women can do things too!
I would argue that masculinity is not crucial to the health of males, since the important elements can be found in non-masculine individuals. Things like ambition, the will to protect others, courtesy, maturity, calm and honesty, can all be found in non-macho people. While I think those elements are all healthy in and of themselves, I wonder if they would be healthy if someone was simply adopting them for the sake of fitting into society as a masculine person. If that were to happen, the guy would just be faking those traits, rather than seeing the inherent value in behaving that way. So while I think that many men are born with a predisposition toward these qualities which has led us to construct the notion of masculinity and value it disproportionally to the valuing of simple virtue I feel that they can’t claim any kind of privilege on the basis of their male genitalia.